COPING WITH THE PAIN OF LOSING A SPOUSE
Facing the empty chair at the dinner
table. Coming home to an empty house and having no one to share your thoughts
with. Learning how to do the laundry, pay the bills, cook. Re-learning how to
cook for just one.
Whether it’s after five or 50 years of marriage, adjusting to life after the
death of a spouse is a difficult, painful and often lonely experience for many
widows and widowers.
“It’s hard for older people who have shared a lifetime together and it’s hard
for younger people because they have not fulfilled their hopes and dreams for
the future,” said Ellen Erenhouse, a licensed clinician and the bereavement
coordinator for Home Healthcare, Hospice and Community Services (HCS) in Keene.
Sponsored by Hospice, the organization offers widow and widower support
groups in both Keene and Peterborough, along with various other grief support
groups and workshops. While normally she sees more widows in the bereavement
support groups, in the last few years, Erenhouse said, more and more widowers
are starting to attend the groups and workshops offered by HCS.
“Women usually have an easier time of it because most women tend to have a
greater social circle or close ties with family members,” said Erenhouse, noting
that widows with young children face a different set of difficulties. “Men are
more likely to be dependent on their wives or partners to make the social
connections. Therefore men tend to be more isolated.”
Joining a support group, club or organization can give those who have lost a
loved one a new focus, said Hancock resident Nancy Allen of Hancock, whose
husband of five years, Chester, died of a genetic heart defect in March 1982.
Because of a promise she had made to her husband, Allen entered a flower
arranging show just months after his death. At the show she received an
honorable mention. Afterwards, members of the Peterborough Garden Club took her
aside because Allen, still grieving, was so visibly shaken and upset.
Two women literally took her by the arm and got her involved in the garden
club, she said. Eventually she became both a horticulture judge and flower show
judge for the Garden Club of America. “I really think they saved my life. It
gave me a focus and frame work,” said Allen, who was 54 years old when her
husband died.
If it wasn’t for her husband’s constant support and encouraging her to try
new things, Allen might not have had the strength to enter the flower show that
year. “That was a gift from him,” she said.
While Allen never joined a support group, she was active in a church and
other area organizations. “It was an important thing to me not to allow my life
to become unstructured,” she said.
Routines, she said, especially mealtimes, have to be replaced with something
else. “That’s where I think groups become important. Actually that’s one of the
things I was looking for when I went back to school,” said Allen, describing why
she pursued a master’s degree in psychology at the continuing education program
at Harvard.
Each widow and widower, like anyone who has lost a loved one, experiences
some common emotions. Feelings of denial, anger, guilt or depression are all
normal but because each person’s relationship with the loved one who dies is
unique, the grieving process is also unique for each individual, said Erenhouse.
“You don’t ever get over the loss of someone. What you can hope for is that
you will be able to give yourself permission to go on by yourself, and that’s
very hard for people to do,” said Erenhouse. “What you hope to accomplish is for
the pain not to be so intense. You still miss them, still grieve for them but
you don’t ever get over it or forget.”
Although she has accepted the loss, one 79-year-old woman from Peterborough,
who asked not to be identified, said she has been unable to eat alone at the
dinner table since her husband’s death seven years ago. “I still haven’t been
able to sit down and eat at the table,” she said, describing how difficult it is
to face the empty chair where her husband of 49 years used to sit at dinnertime.
“I just can’t do.”
But while there are many variables, like whether a spouse died suddenly or
from a long illness, there are also some common experiences shared by many
widows or widowers.
“The worse part is the lack of companionship,” said the 79-year-old widow,
whose husband died of a brain tumor in 1997. Not having anybody at home to talk
with, to share your most intimate thoughts with, is difficult, she said. “I
really miss that. I still do and I guess I always will.”
For Allen the lack of companionship was felt acutely in the first few months
after his death.
If there were instances when something left her frustrated or angry at the
end of the day, driving home she would be thinking about what she would tell her
husband. “Half-way up the hill I would realize again that he wouldn’t be there.
It was a sudden, sharp feeling,” said Allen, describing the renewed sense of
loss she felt remembering he was gone.
Even as the years went by and something pleasant happened to her, Allen said
it would remind her again that he was gone. “I wanted to share it so much. I
know he would have enjoyed it,” said Allen.
Besides providing some type of routine, support groups and clubs also
introduce the widow or widower to a new social circle. This is especially
important because many people who have lost a spouse can feel out of place among
couples.
Sometimes referred to as the “fifth-wheel” syndrome, even if a widow or
widower is invited out and attends a party, its not the same as when his or her
spouse was alive, said Erenhouse.
“I find you’re a social misfit. People don’t invite single people to a dinner
party,” said the 79-year-old widow. She noted that she hasn’t seen a couple that
she and her husband were close with since he died. “But maybe that’s my fault
too. Being a widow you don’t want to impose yourself on people. I’m sure they
didn’t do it deliberately.”
Holidays, anniversaries, even the Fourth of July are also difficult for
anyone who has lost a spouse, said Erenhouse. “It’s all tough if you had certain
rituals,” she said. “Many just don’t feel like doing that again. It’s just a
tremendous reminder of their loss.”
While HCS provides holiday workshops and support groups for those who want to
honor and remember their loved ones that died, others prefer to mark the
anniversary alone.
Because Allen has no family in the area, most Christmases she chooses to
spend the day alone with a good book unless her brother’s family comes out from
California.
“I would skip Christmas altogether if I was alone. I know I would. But my
family is so good to me,” said the 79-year-old widow of her children and
grandchildren. “They’re so attentive. ... I just feel luckier than most.”
Besides support groups or a new circle of friends, hanging out with a younger
generation can also provide some measure of renewed life and energy. “I’m
invited to my children’s and grandchildren affairs and of course they’re another
generation. ...It’s a real lift,” said the Peterborough resident. “You can get
very bitter but it doesn’t do any good. You have to let go of all of that.”
Although the holidays can be lonely and there will always be reminders of
loss in the good and the bad moments, both widows have accepted the loss of
their beloved husbands.
“I enjoy my life. It’s a quiet one, nothing spectacular. You just learn to
accept your situation. It’s not easy but you can do it,” said the 79-year-old
widow.